losing

Years ago I read a short story by Orson Scott Card called "Mortal Gods" and the premise of it has never quite left my mind. 

In this short story, aliens peacefully arrive on Earth looking for the one thing they can never have: death. Because the aliens reproduce via mitosis each contains the memories of their predecessors. To them, human death is a miracle. One human, the elderly Mr. Crane, tries to convince the aliens that death is ugly and not worth fetishizing ("I'm about to die, and there's nothing great about it") but no matter what he says, they persist in seeing death as beautiful. The aliens insist that humans' "lives are built around death, glorifying it. Postponing it as long as possible, to be sure. But glorifying it. In the earliest literature, the death of the hero is the moment of greatest climax." Finally, Crane visits the aliens right as he's about to die, to show them how ugly death is — but they find it more beautiful than ever (source).

So when I happened to read this quote from the Japanse novel Kafka on the Shore the other day, I thought of this short story again: 

“Every one of us is losing something precious to us. Lost opportunities, lost possibilities, feelings we can never get back again. That’s part of what it means to be alive” (source). 

So much of our ability to REALLY LIVE stems from the fact that we die, that we lose, and that we must to learn to appreciate all that we will inevitably be incapable of keeping. The prospect of loss does not detract from our experience of life and love but instead serves to intensify it. 

How many times have I had "that moment" -- of knowing this cannot last and wanting to fiercely hold on while I can, trying to consciously to savor it as much as possible...

And it all got me thinking about what Lehi taught about the purpose of life:

And to bring about his eternal purposes in the end of man, after he had created our first parents, and the beasts of the field and the fowls of the air, and in fine, all things which are created, it must needs be that there was an opposition; even the forbidden fruit in opposition to the tree of life; the one being sweet and the other bitter (2 Ne. 2:15).

Opposition is at the heart of how God intends for us to experience life and to learn. Loss is at the center of what it means to really possess -- and death is what defines life. We truly "taste the bitter that [we] may know to prize the good" (Moses 6:55).

As my life continues forward I have become more and more aware of what I am losing -- which carries with it a sadness... but that awareness of loss also seems to enable me to more fully love and live, another form of grace.

DOUBT (quote)

"...the Christian does not live by simply depending upon feelings. While feelings are important, they do not tell us what is real. They supplement the other facets of how God has made us as humans. The Christian worldview is a joining of heart, soul, mind, and strength to Father, Son, and Spirit. God is loved not just with emotions, but also with all bodily faculties, the will, and the mind."

"...while we are often hard on Thomas in our memory of him as the doubter, he is to be commended because he doubted so that he could believe. It was not a doubt that was destructive, but a doubt that led to a faith that would not fail him. A blind faith would not satisfy him; Thomas wanted to truly believe. Far from a troubling and shameful secret, doubt can be a gift. Where doubt leads us to investigate, God may well be leading, the Spirit enabling us to respond like Thomas to the evidence provided by the risen Jesus—with surrender: My Lord and my God."

-Cyril Georgeson

discernment i.e. christian decision making

I just finished reading Discerning the Will of God: An Ignatian Guide to Christian Decision Making by Timothy M. Gallagher OMV which was recommended to me by a friend. The ideas in the text are based in the methodology of Ignatius of Loyola and illustrated by various stories drawn from real life - from various people's efforts to make decisions guided by the will of God. 

It was definitely written for a Catholic audience, and some of the language and ideas weren't the most accessible to someone like me who is fairly unfamiliar with Catholicism. However, it was nonetheless a very moving book and I definitely felt the urge to make note of various concepts and suggestions. 

I want to turn my will to God -- to do His will faithfully and consistently but the process of learning to discern what His will IS and then resolutely making decisions isn't easy. It takes a lot of effort on our part and a strong desire to do God's will WHATEVER it may be. But it isn't all on us, Gallagher explains that discernment = human effort + God's grace. "Grace gives us courage to make our best effort to discern" and to hope w/a surety that God will guide that effort (134). 

Discernment can become "a way of living the choice" that emerges from the process -- the grace "isn't just the clarity of the past but a gift that shapes the entire living of the choice" (138).

Here are some of the profound suggestions Gallagher outlines to help us discern God's will:

• Research well the options and gain the understanding necessary to consider the advantages/disadvantages - be sure to ask yourself if they are faith based reasons i.e. do you desire the end to which each choice is the means: to love God, promote his glory and progress towards him?
• Pray for equilibrium and the gift of a mind that sees clearly with the will to follow - consider your choice in a tranquil time and make sure you are open to either option, whichever is God's will.
• Consider sharing your efforts with a spiritual guide.
• Ask yourself: What would I choose for someone I love and desire spiritual growth for? How would I counsel them in this situation?
• Continually seek God's help in prayer and when you have made a choice, bring it to Him for confirmation. (pgs 108 & 119)

It is a hard process of yearning, searching, asking, and praying - and can take a long time - but this is all for a reason. Thru the process God helps us not only to do His will for us, which leads us to the greatest peace happiness, but to grow closer to him and to "finally know and believe" that he loves us (134). 

Desiring the inner ring

"...this desire is one of the great permanent mainsprings of human action. It is one of the factors which go to make up the world as we know it—this whole pell-mell of struggle, competition, confusion, graft, disappointment and advertisement, and if it is one of the permanent mainsprings then you may be quite sure of this. Unless you take measures to prevent it, this desire is going to be one of the chief motives of your life, from the first day on which you enter your profession until the day when you are too old to care."

Please take the time to read "The Inner Ring" by C.S. Lewis. I feel that it explains much of the calamity of our modern world and makes the best sort of human dealings clear and simple.



The quest of the Inner Ring will break your hearts unless you break it. But if you break it, a surprising result will follow. If in your working hours you make the work your end, you will presently find yourself all unawares inside the only circle in your profession that really matters. You will be one of the sound craftsmen, and other sound craftsmen will know it. This group of craftsmen will by no means coincide with the Inner Ring or the Important People or the People in the Know. It will not shape that professional policy or work up that professional influence which fights for the profession as a whole against the public: nor will it lead to those periodic scandals and crises which the Inner Ring produces. But it will do those things which that profession exists to do and will in the long run be responsible for all the respect which that profession in fact enjoys and which the speeches and advertisements cannot maintain. 

And if in your spare time you consort simply with the people you like, you will again find that you have come unawares to a real inside: that you are indeed snug and safe at the centre of something which, seen from without, would look exactly like an Inner Ring. But the difference is that the secrecy is accidental, and its exclusiveness a by-product, and no one was led thither by the lure of the esoteric: for it is only four or five people who like one another meeting to do things that they like. This is friendship. Aristotle placed it among the virtues. It causes perhaps half of all the happiness in the world, and no Inner Ring can ever have it.

Walking from East to West

I just finished reading Walking from East to West: God in the Shadows by Ravi Zacharias, a popular evangelical preacher. It is all about his life and conversion to Christianity (he is Indian). The whole book was remarkable, and I recommend it. But, there were a couple of parts that really struck me:

First, when he quoted the preacher G. Campbell Morgan that "Sacrilege is often defined as taking something that belongs to God and using it profanely. But there is a bigger sacrilege that we commit all the time. That is to take something and give it to God when it means absolutely nothing to us." (pg 68)

This cut me a little. There are so many things I do/give that I account to myself as my "points for heaven" that are easy to do/give... and I hadn't considered that there is a need not just to give but to give things THAT MATTER. It's like the story of the widow's mite. It meant nothing to the rich kings to give up their treasures, but it meant a lot to the widow to give the little she had. Her's was a sacred sacrifice and not a sacrilegious exhibition.

--

Ravi also quoted a story a friend told him which caught my attention:

A wealthy man walked into a village one day seeking to buy up all the homes. One by one, the villagers sold their homes to this man for a good price, except for a poor fellow who lived in the middle of the town. He simply wasn’t willing to part with his home. The wealthy man offered a generous amount, but the poor man still wouldn’t budge. Even when the price was doubled, the man said no. 

Finally, the rich man said, “Name your price. I’ll give you whatever you want, because then I’ll own the whole village.” 

“I don’t want to sell to you,” the poor man said, “I’m happy where I am, and this is where I want to stay.” He continued to stand his ground, much to the wealthy man’s disenchantment. 

A few days passed and the rich man was seen strolling through town with his friends, showing them the village. When the poor man heard about it, he stopped one of the wealthy man’s friends and took him aside. “Is this man telling you he owns the whole village?” he asked. “Don’t believe him! The ground you’re standing on still belongs to me.”

And gave this explanation: "I believe the enemy of our souls must taunt God the way this poor man taunted the rich one. You see, if there is any part of our lives that we haven’t turned over to Christ, the devil reminds him, “No, that one isn’t totally yours. I still have this patch of ground here.” Jesus is totally committed to us. And until we learn to be totally surrendered to him, we’ll never find the joy of what it means to fully belong to Him." (pg 125)

It's the paradox of freedom through surrender. We cannot be fully His, and thereby free, if we insist on maintaining some small part of control ourselves. I definitely struggle with this... it's hard for me not to hold the reins of my life and it's even harder still not to try and at least keep a finger on them... but I HAVE to learn to let go!

--

This is something else I personally connected to:

"Donal Coggan, the 101st Archbishop of Canterbury, once said that the longest journey in the life of one's belief is from the head to the heart. My own life was testimony to this fact. The truth that had gone into my head had rescued my heart from its turmoil.

Allow me to elaborate a bit on Coggan's maxim. If we say that a sexual union is sacred -- if marital love is exclusive and cannot be compromised -- then it stands to reason that if you violate that sanctity, your emotions will be in keeping with the violation. Likewise, if it is rationally sound that Jesus rose again from the dead, the heart should delight that this life is not the end. Or, if it is rationally sound that the home is a gift of God, then family life is emotionally invigorating. In short, if the reasoning is sound, the feelings will follow. Feelings follow belief; belief, then, should follow truth.

I would add that the converse to Coggan's statement is just as true, namely, that the longest journey is also from the heart to the head. And so came my hunger to know the great depths of truth behind my faith."

I would like to stand behind this -- that "the longest journey IS also from the heart to the head" and that when you feel so strongly through the Spirit the conviction of the gospel of Christ it WILL bring a hunger to "know the great depths of truth" and it WILL bring a lifelong journey of questions, answers, and abiding joy.

--

One of the most powerful things about Ravi's writings is his testimony of Christ. The manner by which he came to know Christ is remarkable and I can't help but compare him a little to Paul; he was lost but found his way and gained a powerful testimony to voice the the world. This comes from the end of his book:

God is in the shadows in many ways, but He is also in the bright light of what His servants do every day. My prayer is that He will find me faithful, and that until He calls me home I'll be willing to go anywhere, to bear any burden for Him, and to recommit to HIm afresh. It's a tall dream, and without His strength it cannot be done. Yet with His strength, all things are possible. 

When I look at the life I've had and at what the Lord has given me -- my calling, my friendships, my beautiful wife and children -- it is what dreams are made of. I have seen the world. I have walked with great leaders. I have slept in the villages and homes of the poor. I have had to stop at moments along the way and say, "I can never believe this is what the Lord had in mind for me when He started to rebuild my life." Only as you keep in perspective you roots, your ordinary day-to-day life, and the grace that called you, are you able to see clearly the extraordinary privilege of speaking to people who make a difference in our world. 

To try to begin to take it all in is to dip you toe into an ocean that's too deep to fathom. It is nothing less that a tapestry woven skillfully and mysteriously by father and son -- the elder nodding and the younger responding -- a work whose beauty is reveal in fullness only upon its completion. 

T.S. Eliot once wrote:

We shall not cease from exploration,
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time. 

Life is not merely a geographical journey -- not just east to west, or north to south. There is also an up and a down -- God's way, or our way. My prayer for you the reader is that you, too, will see it His way, both in the shadows and in the light. There is no greater discovery than seeing God as the author of your destiny.
I can hardly wait for heaven to put it all together -- yes, even more.

the Lord has prepared

In preparation for sunday school this week I was reading through the teacher's manual, studying the scriptures and thinking about the questions (I'm not teaching, but I do use the manual to study sometimes anyhow) and I had a couple insights that I want to share.

First of all, the background -- it's Lesson 2 "All things according to His will" and I had read my way through the story of all the ways in which Nephi and his brothers had tried to obtain the brass plates, and failed. Finally in 1 Nephi 4 they try one last time and Nephi entered Jerusalem:

And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do. (1 Ne. 4:6)

The manual asks "What are some situations in which we might need to be “led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which [we] should do”? (1 Nephi 4:6). What can we learn from Nephi’s words: “Nevertheless I went forth”? (1 Nephi 4:7)."

I thought of a couple of different times when I had to make choices in my life -- taking steps into the darkness because I didn't know exactly what I was going to do or why and I had to trust that things were going to work out -- and just go forth. With these experiences in my mind I read on through the chapter of how Nephi was led to the unconscious figure of Laban in the streets and "was constrained by the Spirit" to kill him (4:7-10). In regards to this, the manual asked: "Why was Nephi reluctant to kill Laban? (See 1 Nephi 4:10.) How did Nephi become convinced that he should kill Laban? (See 1 Nephi 4:11–18.)"

In reading those verses, and thinking on those questions, I identified that Nephi was reluctant to kill Laban because he had never "shed the blood of man" and "shrunk" from the task. This isn't surprising because I believe most people would hesitate to kill another human being (no matter who it was) and it's less surprising given the fact that Nephi had been raised with the law "Thou shalt not kill" and it would be difficult for anyone to accept that they were being asked to break a commandment... yet, as put by the prophet Joseph Smith, this was "revelation adapted to the circumstances" and "whatever God requires is right, not matter what it is, although we may not see the reason thereof til long after the events transpire" (TPJS p. 256). Having to be obedient in the face of a seemingly contradictory position is a scary place to be!

This connected to what I was thinking about earlier, about moving forward and not knowing what you are going to do but just continuing onward, because as I have moved forward I have been faced with the challenge to do things that I did not want to do -- and, tho not to the same degree as Nephi, at one time my choice even seemed to fly in the face of what I understood to be right... 

Nephi began to be convinced that he should kill Laban as the Spirit explained to him that the Lord had delivered Laban into his hands and as he thought about how Laban had already tried to take his life and had taken his property (vs 11). As Nephi thought on that, the Spirit again told him to slay Laban, explaining that the Lord "delivered" Laban into Nephi's hands for that purpose, so that he could slay "the wicked" and "bring forth" the "righteous purposes" of God (vs 13) -- those purposes being that Nephi and his descendants could have the plates and thereby not "dwindle and perish in unbelief" by having the scriptures/the law contained thereon. 

As he thought on all of this, Nephi fully realized "that the Lord had delivered Laban into [his] hands for this cause—that [he] might obtain the records according to his commandments. Therefore [he] did obey the voice of the Spirit" (1 Ne. 4:17-18).

Now this isn't where the line of questioning ends... By referring by to a well known verse the next question in the manual connects everything in the story (and in the answers to the previous questions) to one very critical concept...

1 Nephi 3:7: 

And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.

• How did the Lord “prepare a way” for Nephi to do what he had been commanded to do? How has the Lord prepared ways for you to keep His commandments?

As I thought about how to answer to this question, what gripped me here is that that the Lord didn't just prepare the way for Nephi to obtain the plates by putting Laban in Nephi's path, he also prepared the way for Nephi to do what needed to be done in order to get the plates. In other words, the Lord prepared Nephi -- to accept the instruction to kill Laban in order to obtain the plates.

How? 

First, by letting him fail to obtain them the first couple times so that he could see that there was no other option. How could a good man like Nephi kill another man if he thought that somehow there might be another way? 

Second, by ensuring that Nephi understood the importance of the plates in helping he and his family to keep the Lords commandments. How else could he see that the ends justified the means?

And third (and most important), by implanting in Nephi's heart an ability to seek out and recognize the directions of the Spirit -- something that he had practiced many times before then. Without this, how could he ever have take the step to disregard previous commandments in order to obey immediate revelation? 

Yes, we take steps into the darkness, "not knowing beforehand" what we are going to do, but WE DO NOT GO UNPREPARED.

I do not think that it is coincidental that manual was put together this way -- to ask this question in regards to this specific preparation. It opened my mind and heart up to new ways of understanding how the Lord has prepared ways for me to keep His commandments by preparing ME to be able to keep them.

I hope you will spend some time pondering how this story is also your story... I testify it will enlighten your understanding and fill you with a renewed sense of love and gratitude for the Lord and his goodness.

**sidenote: i think it's especially interesting to think about this in terms of God's grace, how it is a power that enables us to do what He has commanded us to do.

David, Nabal, & Abigail

I want to go through 1 Samuel 25 because there are some beautiful concepts in this chapter that often get missed --

The set up for the chapter is that David has been set apart by the prophet Samuel to be king after Saul, who unsuccessfully tries to kill David but eventually admits that God is with David and he will be the king. Nabal is a great and rich man who is also very rude, in fact, his name "Nabal" basically means jerk -- he known by this because he is such a "corrupt, a doer of wicked deeds")

David needs some provisions and hears that Nabal is in the wilderness shearing his sheep so he sends some of his men ahead to greet Nabal and ask for what they need. He does this very nicely in verses 6-8

And thus shall ye say to him that liveth in prosperity, Peace be both to thee, and peace be to thine house, and peace be unto all that thou hast. ...Wherefore let the young men find favour in thine eyes: for we come in a good day: give, I pray thee, whatsoever cometh to thine hand unto thy servants, and to thy son David.

However, Nabal's response illustrates his character:

10 And Nabal answered David’s servants, and said, Who is David? and who is the son of Jesse? there be many servants now a days that break away every man from his master.
11 Shall I then take my bread, and my water, and my flesh that I have killed for my shearers, and give it unto men, whom I know not whence they be?

This made David angry. He had his men gear up for battle against Nabal for the offense that he took at Nabal's words. Fortunately, Abigail, Nabal's wife is told about the whole situation. She is described in verse 3 as "a woman of good understanding, and of a beautiful countenance" so when she hears the story from a servent of how David's men were good to Nabal's servants, helpful even, and they did not take what they needed but instead politely asked it of Nabal, who then "railed on them" (vs 14) she realized she had to do something to keep David from destroying Nabal and his household.

18 Then Abigail made haste, and took two hundred loaves, and two bottles of wine, and five sheep ready dressed, and five measures of parched corn, and an hundred clusters of raisins, and two hundred cakes of figs, and laid them on asses.
19 And she said unto her servants, Go on before me; behold, I come after you. But she told not her husband Nabal.
20 And it was so, as she rode on the ass, that she came down by the covert of the hill, and, behold, David and his men came down against her; and she met them.

David is really steaming at this point. He is angry that he had aided Nabal in the wilderness, protected him, and Nabal "requited [him] evil for good" (vs 21) and says that he will completely destroy everything of Nabal's. This is where things really get interesting:

23 And when Abigail saw David, she hasted, and lighted off the ass, and fell before David on her face, and bowed herself to the ground,
24 And fell at his feet, and said, Upon me, my lord, upon me let this iniquity be: and let thine handmaid, I pray thee, speak in thine audience, and hear the words of thine handmaid.
25 Let not my lord, I pray thee, regard this man of Belial, even Nabal: for as his name is, so is he; Nabal is his name, and folly is with him: but I thine handmaid saw not the young men of my lord, whom thou didst send.

Abigail throws herself at the mercy of David and asks that the offense of Nabal be upon her, that Nabal is as his name implies (a jerk) and that if she had met the men David had sent things would have been different.

26 Now therefore, my lord, as the Lord liveth, and as thy soul liveth, seeing the Lord hath withholden thee from coming to shed blood, and from avenging thyself with thine own hand, now let thine enemies, and they that seek evil to my lord, be as Nabal.
27 And now this blessing which thine handmaid hath brought unto my lord, let it even be given unto the young men that follow my lord.

 She offers David and his men the food she has brought, the thing they had asked for in the first place. Then she makes a very important point:

28 I pray thee, forgive the trespass of thine handmaid: for the Lord will certainly make my lord a sure house; because my lord fighteth the battles of the Lord, and evil hath not been found in thee all thy days.
29 Yet a man is risen to pursue thee, and to seek thy soul: but the soul of my lord shall be bound in the bundle of life with the Lord thy God; and the souls of thine enemies, them shall he sling out, as out of the middle of a sling.
30 And it shall come to pass, when the Lord shall have done to my lord according to all the good that he hath spoken concerning thee, and shall have appointed thee ruler over Israel;
31 That this shall be no grief unto thee, nor offence of heart unto my lord, either that thou hast shed blood causeless, or that my lord hath avenged himself: but when the Lord shall have dealt well with my lord, then remember thine handmaid.

She explains that undoubtably David is headed for greatness; the Lord has always been with him because he has always followed the Lord and done the right thing -- and in this situation the right thing is to forgive, which will allow David to continue to hold on to the favor of the Lord. In forgiveness he will avoid the "grief" or "offense of heart" that would undoubtably follow any impatience and anger-driven vengeance. One day he will be a ruler and he will be glad he forgave and kept on the side of heaven. 

David recognizes this and thanks her:

32 And David said to Abigail, Blessed be the Lord God of Israel, which sent thee this day to meet me:
33 And blessed be thy advice, and blessed be thou, which hast kept me this day from coming to shed blood, and from avenging myself with mine own hand.
34 For in very deed, as the Lord God of Israel liveth, which hath kept me back from hurting thee, except thou hadst hasted and come to meet me, surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall.
35 So David received of her hand that which she had brought him, and said unto her, Go up in peace to thine house; see, I have hearkened to thy voice, and have accepted thy person.

Both were blessed by her wisdom and humility.

The key idea here is that BY TAKING THE TRESPASS UPON HERSELF Abigail makes it easy for David to forgive. How can he stay angry when she has brought a gift, spoken so well, asked forgiveness, AND innocently taken the blame upon herself? She clears all the barriers. The interesting parallel here is to make Abigail a type of Christ -- in the same way that she willingly took on the offense of Nabal, Christ willingly takes on our offenses, ALL of our offenses, so that we can more easily forgive each other. After all, we have been commanded to forgive everyone  ("of you it is required to forgive all men" D&C 64:10) and this can be a difficult thing when we have been wronged... but the Atonement once again provides the enabling power to do it. As in this story of David, our "Nabal" falls out of the picture as Christ/Abigail takes on the offense and in that guiltless and loving state asks us to forgive.

It is a new way of looking at what the Atonement means for us in our efforts to follow Christ and become like him.

*Side note: Abigail went home, but did not say anything to Nabal who was having a party and getting very drunk. The next morning however, she told him what had happened and after vs 37 "his heart died within him, and he became as a stone" and 10 days later he died. Goes to show that those who offend get what is due them in God's own time.