Watching this has really helped me understand my issues with vulnerability.
I don't numb with beer or food, but i do numb with anger. when i feel vulnerable i try to squash those feelings by getting mad, by running over in my head why whatever/whomever is "making me feel vulnerable" is the worst for doing this -- how dare they?! and like she explained, you can't numb the bad without numbing the good. my anger overpowers me and keeps me from the "whole-heartedness" that only comes through the essential connections that come from vulnerability.
she explains that vulnerabily is where "shame, and fear, and our struggle for worthiness" come from and but it is also "the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging and love." when i use anger to avoid feeling the negative, i keep myself from the "joy, gratitude, and happiness" that can come.
and the anger doesn't help. it makes me severe and upset, which only leads to more shame, fear, and struggle for worthiness. i fall into the negative cycle of it.
anger is part of how i make the uncertain certain -- when i don't know why someone hasn't called, for example, i push the vulnerability of that away with reasons that allow me to be angry, to put them in the wrong. to take my uncertainty (and the vulnerability of it) and give myself some answer, that they don't care or are selfish or rude, so i can again push away the vulnerability -- so that my worthiness is not at stake here, it's THEM not ME.
i blame in order to "discharge pain and discomfort."
Of course, this doesn't really work because sure i get angry but then there's always that thought that if i were just a little bit better, they would care enough...
and so i try to perfect - i try to figure out what is wrong with me, that i could change so that i am worthy of love and belonging - so i'm enough.
i need to better learn to let myself be seen, and trust i will be loved even with my weaknesses. i need to better learn to love with my whole heart, even when that love might not be returned, and trust that my loving can be a positive enough force to justify itself (even though it makes me vulnerable). I have to stop "catasrophizing" what could happen and BE GRATEFUL for now, and that I AM ENOUGH.
This is a big part of what the Atonement is for - it teaches us that we are loved despite our weakness, in fact, that we are loved because of our weakness:
Alma 7:11-12Because the Lord has experienced all these things, he knows us: every physical and emotional pain, every temptation we've succumbed to, every weakness we struggle with, and because he has felt them and understands us so perfectly he is filled with mercy towards us -- he is filled with love for us. The word "succor" comes from the word "succurrere" which means to "run to the rescue, bring aid" (MW). He knows every bad thing about me and runs to me to love and lift me.
And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.
Understanding the depth of that love helps us understand how to love like that and lose our fear of loving.
1 John 4:18When I struggle with insecurities and for feeling of worth it is because I am not seeing myself as I really am.
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear:
1 Corin. 13:12
For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
The pure love that Christ has comes from knowing us perfectly. I am enough for Him to love me, and someday I will see myself -- and others -- as He does, I will "know even as also I am known." Until then I choose to trust the love of God.
I hope in the future, in moments of vulnerability, I will remember to rely on the Savior -- rely on knowing He loves me and I am enough -- and not fall into the trap of numbing myself with anger and blame. I'd never realized this about myself, to this extent, before today. Nor had I thought about how the Atonement can bless me with joy, peace, a sense of belonging, and pure love in my moments of vulnerability. I pray that I will remember.